As I light...

My parents, Sister and I at my Mother's 58th Birthday Party

My Mother passed away the Saturday before Easter last year, on April 23rd and as we approach this particular passing of time, I don't feel right calling it an "anniversary" for some reason, many things float in and out of my head... For example, this entire season will be painful for awhile I suppose... One of the things I got from my Mom was my love of traditional holidays, her favorite holidays and mine for the same reasons are Thanksgiving and Passover, and we just entered the Passover season last weekend, so of course she's on my mind... Last year I didn't celebrate Passover, they had a small Seder at the Hospice House with her and I had such a difficult time being there I didn't go, but this year we kept up with tradition and went to a family friends' house and celebrated the holiday the way my Mom loved to celebrate Passover, with lots of wine, laughter, and of course with family and friends... And it was bittersweet... I'm glad to know I managed to make my way through Passover without falling apart completely, I was afraid Passover would be ruined for me...

Then came Easter, which we didn't celebrate when I was a kid, since she passed on Saturday we didn't really celebrate Easter last year, but I was determined to not associate one with the other, especially since Easter was early this year and I was doing alright with it until one of my cousins made a reflection on facebook about her personal journey in dealing with the loss of my Mom... I broke down thinking about how hard last Easter was, but then I thought about my cousin's reflection on trying to focus on the life side of things this year rather than the death side and I pulled myself together and hopefully celebrated a decent Easter with my boys, our first real Glahn family Easter... I hope we keep the Easter Pizza tradition... =)

Tonight my Dad and I are going to Temple for my Mother's yahrzeit... I'm not Jewish but I was raised in a Jewish home, so I know a bit about the faith and customs but am by no means an expert, but I know enough that I can honor my Mother's faith and memory. The Jewish calendar is different from the civil calendar so her yahrzeit is on a different day every year... So of course that's thrown into the mix. This year I'm figuring out the calendar thing and I've actually missed the day I was supposed to light her candle, I'll light it today and say some prayers for her and I'll get it right year... I had a moment when I realized this and I felt absolutely horrible but I think my Mom understands... I can remember times when she missed her Dad's being busy being Mom, but she'd lite it   =)

Next will come the actual 23rd, and I'm weird where once I fixate on a date I will never forget it and the meaning it has... April 23rd, will never be just the 23rd of April anymore, I've asked my hubby to take off so I won't be alone, and even have considered asking a friend to come spend the day with me if the hubby can't get the day off... Part of me wishes her passing wasn't surround by holidays and that calendars where universal so I only had one day I had to be reminded of her passing, but I don't think its as simple as that... I honor my Mother, and her life, and her memory everyday, but I feel like I deserve a day where I can remember her passing and think about how it much it sucks she gone and selfishly curl into the fetal position, stay in bed and cry over how much I miss her and wish her back to us again, without feeling like a horrible mother and wife because of it... All that emotion reminds me that sometimes it back to taking in just one day at a time or even one moment at a time....

I am however comforted by thoughts of the joy my Mother would get out of all the new life coming into the world... My best friend found out she's going to have her 3rd child on Easter, my brother and sister in law are going to find out next Tuesday whether they're having a boy or a girl, one of my friends is getting married in October, another dear friend is also pregnant... So much life and joy to celebrate, that's the circle of life though right?