As I light...

My parents, Sister and I at my Mother's 58th Birthday Party

My Mother passed away the Saturday before Easter last year, on April 23rd and as we approach this particular passing of time, I don't feel right calling it an "anniversary" for some reason, many things float in and out of my head... For example, this entire season will be painful for awhile I suppose... One of the things I got from my Mom was my love of traditional holidays, her favorite holidays and mine for the same reasons are Thanksgiving and Passover, and we just entered the Passover season last weekend, so of course she's on my mind... Last year I didn't celebrate Passover, they had a small Seder at the Hospice House with her and I had such a difficult time being there I didn't go, but this year we kept up with tradition and went to a family friends' house and celebrated the holiday the way my Mom loved to celebrate Passover, with lots of wine, laughter, and of course with family and friends... And it was bittersweet... I'm glad to know I managed to make my way through Passover without falling apart completely, I was afraid Passover would be ruined for me...

Then came Easter, which we didn't celebrate when I was a kid, since she passed on Saturday we didn't really celebrate Easter last year, but I was determined to not associate one with the other, especially since Easter was early this year and I was doing alright with it until one of my cousins made a reflection on facebook about her personal journey in dealing with the loss of my Mom... I broke down thinking about how hard last Easter was, but then I thought about my cousin's reflection on trying to focus on the life side of things this year rather than the death side and I pulled myself together and hopefully celebrated a decent Easter with my boys, our first real Glahn family Easter... I hope we keep the Easter Pizza tradition... =)

Tonight my Dad and I are going to Temple for my Mother's yahrzeit... I'm not Jewish but I was raised in a Jewish home, so I know a bit about the faith and customs but am by no means an expert, but I know enough that I can honor my Mother's faith and memory. The Jewish calendar is different from the civil calendar so her yahrzeit is on a different day every year... So of course that's thrown into the mix. This year I'm figuring out the calendar thing and I've actually missed the day I was supposed to light her candle, I'll light it today and say some prayers for her and I'll get it right year... I had a moment when I realized this and I felt absolutely horrible but I think my Mom understands... I can remember times when she missed her Dad's being busy being Mom, but she'd lite it   =)

Next will come the actual 23rd, and I'm weird where once I fixate on a date I will never forget it and the meaning it has... April 23rd, will never be just the 23rd of April anymore, I've asked my hubby to take off so I won't be alone, and even have considered asking a friend to come spend the day with me if the hubby can't get the day off... Part of me wishes her passing wasn't surround by holidays and that calendars where universal so I only had one day I had to be reminded of her passing, but I don't think its as simple as that... I honor my Mother, and her life, and her memory everyday, but I feel like I deserve a day where I can remember her passing and think about how it much it sucks she gone and selfishly curl into the fetal position, stay in bed and cry over how much I miss her and wish her back to us again, without feeling like a horrible mother and wife because of it... All that emotion reminds me that sometimes it back to taking in just one day at a time or even one moment at a time....

I am however comforted by thoughts of the joy my Mother would get out of all the new life coming into the world... My best friend found out she's going to have her 3rd child on Easter, my brother and sister in law are going to find out next Tuesday whether they're having a boy or a girl, one of my friends is getting married in October, another dear friend is also pregnant... So much life and joy to celebrate, that's the circle of life though right?

My Garden!!!

There are two things I regret most about the time I spent taking care of my mother, one of course is not having the pluck to ask her some questions about tough stuff ... And the other is that I killed almost all her plants... My mother loved her plants and I feel absolutely horrible I couldn't keep them all alive, she started giving them away to friends who'd come visit in hopes they'd be able to give them the attention they needed and deserved... I'm not a plant killer and I have a pretty green thumb, but between taking care of a 1 year, being pregnant, and taking care of my Mom and the house, I tried but I failed miserably with the plants... And while I know my mother was immensely proud and grateful and understood I just had too much on my plate, I still feel horrible about making her give away all her plants and/or killing them...

So this year I decided that I'd grow a garden in my mother's honor... One day I'll plant Lincoln Roses for her, I won't be able to do that until we get a house but its the plan anyways... In doing my research and planning for the garden it also brought back some memories from my Mom's gardens... It made me realize that my desire to garden wasn't something original but something that had been planted in me... My mother never had lush bountiful veggie gardens, least not while I was around but I know now, that it had to have been a passion of hers if she'd try to plant one every year knowing how much harder it was to maintain one while being a full time working Mom with 3 kids... My grandma Ann, my Dad's mother, was also a gardener. I remember her huge tomato plants and rhubarb, I hope to learn more about my grandma Ann's gardens this summer at a family reunion maybe grow something she always did next year... But this year this one is for you Mom...

I started Hot Peppers, Roma tomatoes, broccoli. The blue container is Moonflowers for my hubby. The yellow set is my indoor herb garden - sage, basil, oregano

Broccoli was the first to sprout!

Moonflowers!

Herbs!

I have sprouts!

Something New Today...

I am almost ashamed proud to say that "Sid the Science Kid" not only inspires my older son but also the stupid theme song has inspired me... My son loves the show and will watch several episodes or clips on the PBS iPad app back to back to back and so that song gets constantly stuck in my head... It got so stuck it has inspired me to change my life... 

2011 was a really rough year for me. In August of 2010 my husband and I moved from Fort Myers, FL into my parents home in NC to become caregivers for my mother whose 7 year battle with lung cancer was coming to a close... I missed most of her battle by going to college, getting married, divorced, remarried, becoming a mother. I moved to FL for a year and half... When found out it was almost the end of the war, my Mother and my father and my sister needed me. So my wonderful, loving, and supportive husband agreed to move into my parents home and become caregivers... I was 3 months pregnant at the time... Oh, yeah I forgot to mention that didn't I??? It was hands down the hardest thing I've ever faced and it has really shaped me as an wife, mother, and friend... 

My mother found her peace on April 23rd and I spent much of last summer so focused on getting my Dad and sister through that time I didn't process it and in August when my sister left for her 2nd year of college and everything settled down, I really struggled. At the same time, my husband after a year of struggling with an unsuccessful decent job search found a good job and I felt like I lost my best friend, he was my constant rock and I truly missed him... I went into a pretty decent state of depression especially for me, I am lucky blessed to be a generally content or even fairly happy person, and it took quite awhile for me to get out of it... 

I have come out on the other side of that depression and ready to try to move on... It's been hard and I still struggle with dealing with the loss of my mother everyday... I took some time in December to really reflect on the last year and half and what is in store in the future for me and my family... During this time was when Sid inspired me... Inspired me to start with Something New Today... 

My mantra for 2012 is going to be Something New Today... Trying to take some small steps to do Something New... I have 2 boys and they are constantly learning something new and I'm ready to slow down and learn somethings from them... I plan to try new things constantly, whether its recipes, crafts, projects, trying to meet goals and accomplish things. I want to set some goals and create a bucketlist for myself.  I expect some complete failures and lots of mistakes but I plan to just keep trying something new constantly and hopefully I'm gonna find my path...